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Score: 6
Essay
Even though we live in a capitalist society, I still cannot help but
believe, despite my own cynicism, that people are more motivated to achieve
something for personal satisfaction rather than monetary gains. Look at
Chekov's short story, "The Bet." A man agrees to sacrifice fifteen years of
his life in prison in exchange for a million dollars. Obviously his
motivation for such an extreme bet is wealth, but by the end of the prison
sentence, the man could care less about the money. After years of
introspection, of reading Shakespeare, The Bible, and textbooks, the man
actually comes to despise the money he once sought; the money he signed away
fifteen years of his life for. He does not collect his money from the
banker, he runs away to be on his own and continue to live the life of
solitude he has learned to love, free of money and possessions.
Also, in a psychology class, one of the first things students study when
they come to the topic of motivation, is external stimulus versus personal
drive. Any textbook will tell one that studies show that a child is more
likely to put as much energy as possible into completing a task when it is
something that makes him happy, than if he was doing it for a physical
reward. A child is more likely to get good grades, if it makes him feel good
about himself, than if his parents offer to pay him every time he makes the
honor roll. I agree with this theory on motivation because I see it play out
everyday in my life. If my older sister had been concerned with money and
fame, which reality television tells us every night is important, she would
have gone to college after graduating high school. She knew though, that
school and learning did not make her happy, and she was not going to suffer
through four more years of school just because a college degree could lead
to a more successful job. Right now she does not make as much money at her
job, but she likes her life and the way she lives; she has more fun
answering phones and dealing with other people at work than she would behind
a desk in a classroom. This past year I myself have been forced to look at
my priorities as well. I have worked hard in school all my life and have
made honor roll semester after semester, because I enjoy it. I have not
filled up my schedule with classes I did not want because calculus and
economics look good on a college transcript. I had a high enough GPA to join
the National Honor Society, but I chose not to join because even though it
might have impressed some admissions officers, it was not something that was
going to make me happy. Instead I spend my time studying Creative Writing,
Art History, and the other subjects I feel truly passionate about.
There is a pleasure principle in psychology, which basically means that one
will do whatever will make them most happy or least unhappy. I think that is
true, and I feel that the happiness most people seek out is not about money
or luxury. Maybe it looks like that from the media, because advertising says
that people want to be like Donald Trump, but that is not real life. Real
life is my next door neighbor who gardens as a second job for small fees
because he loves to be outside, working with his hands in the nice weather.
I am sure no one would mind winning the lottery, but to say that it is our
primary motivator in life is sad and untrue. A person who is happy and
making minimum wage is likely to live longer than someone who spends his or
her life working sixty four hour weeks at a stressful job to make money hand
over fist. Are some people very driven by money? Yes. Is that more important
than the personal satisfaction that comes from doing something good?
Literature, psychology, and our personal lives tell us no, and I hope it
stays that way.
Why this Essay Received a
Score of 6
This outstanding essay insightfully and effectively develops the point of
view that, "Even though we live in a capitalist society, I still cannot help
but believe ... that people are more motivated to achieve something for
personal satisfaction rather than monetary gains." The writer demonstrates
outstanding critical thinking by focusing on clearly appropriate examples
from "Literature, psychology, and our personal lives" to support this
position. The essay begins by describing Chekhov's "The Bet" as a short
story that, through its main character's changed priorities after "years of
introspection" in prison, ultimately places higher value on a "life of
solitude ... free of money and possessions" than on wealth. The writer
continues to demonstrate outstanding critical thinking by offering as
evidence the psychological principle of "external stimulus versus personal
drive" and several examples of how this principle has been borne out in a
sister's and the writer's own lives. The essay concludes by once again
drawing on psychology, this time the concept of the "pleasure principle," to
reinforce the idea that "the happiness most people seek out is not about
money or luxury" but in "the personal satisfaction that comes from doing
something good." This well-organized and clearly focused essay demonstrates
coherence and progression of ideas. The essay consistently exhibits skillful
use of language and demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure
("After years of introspection, of reading Shakespeare, The Bible,
and textbooks, the man actually comes to despise the money he once sought;
the money he signed away fifteen years of his life for"). Thus, this essay
demonstrates clear and consistent mastery and is scored a 6.
Score: 1
Essay
My view of the idea that it is personal satisfaction rather than money or
fame that motivates people to achieve is sometimes wrong because in sports
some people do it for personal satisfaction because they love the game and
some people do it for the money because it pays well. For example, in the
NFL there are two types of people, one plays for the check and the other
plays for the ring.
Why this Essay Received a
Score of 1
Offering little evidence to support the writer's point of view ("My view of
the idea that it is personal satisfaction rather than money or fame that
motivates people to achieve is sometimes wrong"), this response is
fundamentally lacking. The sparse supporting evidence provided is weak ("in
sports some people do it for personal satisfaction because they love the
game and some people do it for the money") and repetitive ("For example, in
the NFL there are two types of people, one plays for the check and the other
plays for the ring"). The essay consists of only two sentences, and one of
these sentences displays flawed structure ("My view of the idea that it is
personal satisfaction rather than money or fame that motivates people to
achieve is sometimes wrong because in sports some people do it for personal
satisfaction because they love the game and some people do it for the money
because it pays well"). To merit a higher score, this essay needs to exhibit
more control over sentence structure as well as demonstrate stronger
critical thinking by providing further focused and detailed evidence to
adequately develop the point of view. Overall, this essay demonstrates very
little mastery and is scored a 1.
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